Lost
Ok, so I know this is a little bit random for me to be writing again so soon, but I have been having another couple of days deep thought about the world and felt that sharing it with you guys might be a good idea. I am sure I will prove myself wrong on that at some point!
I am so lost at the moment, there are so many paths and I have no idea which one to take. I have all these options, but none of them jump out at me and make me want to choose them. I was chatting to James today and somehow in random conversation we got on to the subject of what we saw ourselves doing in our lives when we were kids. James told me he went through stages of wanting to do different things and about his parents plans for his life, their dreams of him becoming an accountant! It really got me thinking, I have always wanted to be a teacher, for as long as I can remember that was always my dream. My parents never tried to push me in to things, never suggested that the decisions I was making were the wrong ones, just supported me in the choices I made. I just wish I hade made much better ones!
Well that goal was never going to happen. In fact my brother beat me to it, he has been an English and Media Studies teacher now for 2 years. He does an amazing job and is an amazing guy, I am so proud of him. I just wish I had had the motivation and the courage to work so hard to be doing something so worthwhile. But I am not giving up on myself yet. There are so many things I want to do with my life that I don’t know if I am going to cram them in, and my problem is not deciding which path to take now to decide the rest of my life. My dilemma is which path to take first. I want to have a family, to live in a nice house, to be happy, to achieve something, to get my degree, to finish my counselling diploma, to work for a charity, to make a difference to peoples lives.
But as much as I would like all of that, there is only one thing I have to do in my life and that is not to have wasted it. I want to feel proud, I want to feel successful, I don’t want to make loads of money and buy a nice car, I don’t want to be admired.
I want to make a difference to the world, however small and I want that difference to be something that makes me feel happy and makes me feel proud.
I had a conversation with a random Turkish guy today and we were talking about the war in Iraq and the fact this world is so messed up. He asked me as I was now married whether I was going to have children. He suggested that having children was a bad idea, because it would be unfair to bring them in to a world with so many problems, wars, pollution, global warming etc. My reply was quite simple, we can’t just abolish the human race, we need people to have children and continue to create life. We also need people who stand up to governments and take action to improve the world. I don’t think stopping having kids is a good idea. I think having children is the only way we can try and improve the world, to have kids and educate them to treat the world better than we have and our parents etc. To educate them against prejudice and discrimination, to educate them to make the world a better place. I agree that the world is a messed up place, but I don’t think we should give up on it.
I think that is exactly it, too many people want to give up on things, too many people have the attitude of if at first you don’t succeed, give up, there’s no bloody point! I have to say I have been know to use that phrase on more than one occasion, but when it comes to the sustainabilty of our planet, and the future of our species, the future for our children and in turn theirs, we have to try, try and try again until we bloody well get it right! We need to do something about all the evils of the world. The current Bush administration being one of them!
Why are people so selfish? Why do so many people walk around with their eyes shut? Why don’t more people stand up for themselves, and for their planet?
I need to do some more research and some more thinking before I decide which path to choose, but I know I am going to do something worthwhile. I know I am going to do something I will be proud of and I know that I can make a difference.
Sorry for the ramblings once again!
Love ya
xxx
P.S. I watched NCIS tonight and heard possibly the best line ever “an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth …. what use is that? all it leaves you with is a load of toothless blind people!” classic!